It’s been a while since I have allowed myself to slow down and think of my Ivalee. And it’s been nine months since she left. The amount of time that I had her has already passed since we lost her. I feel like I am in. A time warp. The last 9 months feel like a blur of just making it day to day.
We are now in full holiday season, and I am struggling to find the joy. All I see is that missing stocking, the giggly baby missing from our Christmas card. I feel guilty that I can’t seem to get into the Christmas spirit, especially for my children.
We finally had family pictures taken for our Christmas cards for the first time since Charlie was a baby. I know I know, I should be ashamed. But the truth is I was waiting, because my family is supposed to look a lot different. It made me shutter to think about. I didn’t want to do them, but after therapy I knew it was a small step that I had to take as part of my new reality, my new normal.
Through all of the hurt and suffering that happens everyday in our lives, I often think of the women who has lost children before me. It becomes a club that you don’t want to be a part of, but at the same time Unites and connects you with some faith altering testimonies, which leads me to this….
I say all of this to lead to one thing. What God has burdened my heart with. I can’t eat, I can’t sleep…are you sure Lord? He has placed a passion in my heart to love in a way that I have never had before. The truth is that God gives us the ability to minister right where we are in our lives. Day in and day out, in our jobs, in our homes, not just in the church. My ministry is women. As a hair and makeup artist I deal with women, all day every day. They sit in my chair, and within moments share some intimate fears, worries, heartbreaks, problems. And when they do I feel god pushing me and telling me, “it’s all for this.” What happened to our family was nothing short of heartbreak, but the light of the Lord is shining on the direction of my life to make sure that it isn’t in vain. Women deal with different worries than men, different stresses. And we also are called to play a different role in the backbone of our homes, church, and society. The amazing thing is that God doesn’t call the preared, he prepares the called. And I have been CALLED. Called to love the women in my community. Called to remove the barriers that we face, and labor in prayer with other women who all have a cross they are carrying. The truth is, I have no idea what this is supposed to look like, I know what I want it to look like, but it isn’t about me. God has shown me over and over that I am called to this. When my heart breaks for women who die of cancer and leave their children behind, when a woman loses a child, when a husband cheats and leaves a broken woman, he reminds me that this is my ministry, and why everything in my life up to this point has happened. The truth is, to these women….I want to love you, I want to pray with you, I want to war with you over anything in your life, because that’s what we as Christians are called to do. To love your neighbor. And I can’t wait for this to launch in January 2016. I’m nervous, anxious, excited, and prayerful that God will use this and be glorified
Proverbs 31:30 “charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting, but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised”
Psalms 127:4-5 ” like arrows in the hands of a warrior are the children born in one’s youth. Blessed is the one who’s quiver is full of them”